Terms of Service

By purchasing any product from Squared Away Supply Co., you voluntarily enlist in these terms for a period of indefinite duration. There is no early separation option. Satisfactory completion of these terms is not guaranteed, but satisfactory completion is not the goal.

The following uses are acceptable: personal consumption, gift-giving, field-environment cosplay, and reenlistment bonuses. The following uses are not acceptable: reselling to military members at inflated prices, using the crayon product as structural support, and using the invisibility cloak to avoid your first sergeant.

All sales are final. Returns are accepted only under duress, and only during the narrow window between Kübler-Ross Stage 3 (Bargaining) and Stage 4 (Depression). Exchanges are welcome and may be processed by a representative with the title 'Specialist' or higher.

Squared Away Supply Co. makes no representation as to actual morale impact. Morale Points (MP) accrued through the Morale Program™ are notional, non-transferable, and have no cash value, even to us. The 'illusion of meaning' reward at the O-10 tier is for entertainment purposes and is not, in fact, a redeemable prize. It will not ship in 6-8 weeks. It will not ship.

Every product sold on this site contains at least one heckle directed at a rival service branch. By completing a purchase, you accept that the heckle is both your inheritance and your burden. Squared Away Supply Co. is not liable for any argument you start with a sibling who is in a different branch.

These terms are governed by the laws of the Department of Defense, where applicable, and by common sense, where not. Disputes shall be resolved by a panel of three Sergeants Major at 0600, outdoors, in the rain. Decisions are final.