Army Section
The Hooah Bar™
Tastes like motivation and abandonment.
The Hooah Bar™ is an artisanal interpretation of the Army's legendary field ration energy bar — a product that has been in some version of continuous service since the 1990s and which every soldier has eaten out of desperation at least once. Our version is hand-produced in small batches, chocolate-malt base, 600 calories, and finished with a note that our tasting panel described as 'motivation' on the front end and 'abandonment' on the finish.
It is $89. This price reflects the craft process, the premium ingredients, and the understanding that the soldier who needs a Hooah Bar at 0300 will pay $89 without thinking about it. We have priced it accordingly. There is no multi-pack discount. There is no loyalty program. There is only the bar.
Limit one per 24-hour period. Not because of any medical reason. Because the Army has always limited the good things. You already know this.
“The Marine Corps sells their Culinary Coloring Sticks for $34.99 a dozen. They taste approximately the same and cost $54 less. We respect the market.”
— SQUARED AWAY EDITORIAL BOARD
| Calories | 600 per bar |
| Protein | 18g |
| Motivation Content | High (front-loaded; diminishes mid-bar) |
| Origin | Small-batch facility, undisclosed CONUS location |
| Best Before | Longer than your enlistment |
| Certifications | MIL-STD-CHOMP compliant. Not certified as enjoyable. |
- Limit one bar per 24-hour period. This is not medically required. It is a posture. We maintain it.
- May cause spontaneous vocalization of 'HOOAH' in public settings. The manufacturer assumes no social liability.
After-Action Reports
I ate this at 0200 before a battalion FTX. I felt like I understood the Army for about 45 minutes. Then the feeling passed and I was just cold. Worth $89.
Tastes exactly like the original. I do not know if that is a compliment. I bought two.
I keep one in my desk. I have not eaten it. Its presence alone increases my productivity by an estimated 12%. I will eat it when I retire.
Also in the Army Section
NSN 8465-69-420-MRE
The Grunt's Embrace™ Tactical Pillow
Concrete-filled MOLLE. Ready to ruck.
$84.99
NSN 8970-ARM-MRE-04
MRE Pairing Flight: The Fort Polk Collection
Four MREs paired with regret.
$119.99
NSN 8415-UCP-FAIL
UCP Classic™ Commemorative Invisibility Cloak
The camouflage that camouflaged nothing.
$249.99