Marines Section
The Jarhead™ Precision Haircut Kit
One setting. It's shorter.
The Jarhead™ Precision Haircut Kit was engineered around a single design philosophy: the Marine Corps has one haircut, and it does not require options. The kit includes a professional-grade electromagnetic clipper, one guard setting (the correct one), a stainless steel taper comb, a mirror sized to verify bilateral symmetry, and a carrying pouch stenciled with the words 'ONE SETTING IS ENOUGH.'
The guard is fixed. It cannot be removed, swapped, or misplaced because it cannot be detached. Our engineering team considered including additional guards and then reconsidered, because additional guards imply a choice, and the Marine Corps has made the choice, and the choice is shorter. The kit ships pre-set. There is no setup required. You plug it in. You begin.
The Air Force maintains a grooming standard that permits hairstyles which, in the Marine Corps, would require a counseling statement and a first sergeant's personal attention. We have documented this. We have chosen not to comment on it at length. We have instead made a clipper kit that cannot produce an Air Force haircut no matter how long you hold it.
“The Air Force hasn't seen a barber under duress since the Cold War, and it shows — but they seem comfortable with the situation, so we'll leave it there.”
— SQUARED AWAY EDITORIAL BOARD
| Clipper Type | Electromagnetic, 7,200 SPM, heavy-duty motor |
| Guard Settings | One (1). This is intentional. |
| Power | Corded, 110–240V, includes adapter |
| Contents | Clipper, fixed guard, stainless taper comb, mirror, brush, oil |
| Included Pouch | Olive-drab canvas, stenciled 'ONE SETTING IS ENOUGH' |
| Certifications | MIL-STD-SCALP compliant. MCO P1020.34 grooming-standard referenced. |
- The single guard setting is not a defect. It is the specification. Requests for additional guards will not be fulfilled.
- Regret is not a valid return reason. You knew what you were getting. The pouch told you.
After-Action Reports
I have given myself this haircut every ten days for three years. This clipper is the first one that seems to understand why. Zero settings. Zero decisions. Zero regrets. Five stars.
Bought this for my whole squad. Everyone came to Monday formation looking exactly the same. The GySgt did a double take and then nodded. That is the review.
I attempted to use this to taper the sides. The guard setting does not taper. It goes shorter. I have now learned something about myself and this product. Three stars.
