Regulation Sergeant Major Mustache Kit

Wax, comb, and one framed citation.

UNIT PRICE$64.99

The Regulation Sergeant Major Mustache Kit is a complete grooming system for the E-9 who has optimized every aspect of their career and now turns to the lip. Included: one tin of Army-appropriate mustache wax (matte finish, neutral fragrance, zero parade-ground shine), one aluminum comb calibrated to the AR 670-1 maximum width of one-half inch beyond the corner of the mouth, and one 5×7 framed commendation for Exceptional Facial Grooming signed by a notional but plausible CSM.

The framed citation reads, in part: 'For meritorious facial grooming during the period of service, demonstrating sustained commitment to regulation upper-lip maintenance in a manner that reflects credit upon this soldier, this unit, and the noncommissioned officer corps.' It is suitable for display in a home office, NCO lounge, or any surface where a spouse cannot prevent it.

The wax is compounded to hold through physical training, field conditions, and unit town halls. The citation is not transferable to another soldier. Your mustache must be grown in-house.

“The Navy allows full beards, which is a policy choice that looks exactly like a policy choice.”

— SQUARED AWAY EDITORIAL BOARD

Technical Specifications

Wax Compound	Medium-hold matte, AR 670-1 compliant sheen level
Comb Material	Matte black anodized aluminum, 3.2 in
Framed Citation Size	5 × 7 in, black frame, matte glass
Regulation Width	Max 0.5 in beyond corner of mouth (AR 670-1 reference)
Approved Curl Styles	Natural, slight upward, moderate upward. Handlebar: unauthorized.
Compliance	Fully compliant. Inspect-ready.

!WARNINGS

Mustache must be grown by the authorized user. This kit cannot grow a mustache on your behalf. You must provide the upper lip.
The framed citation does not constitute an official Army award and cannot be submitted for personnel file inclusion, regardless of how you feel about it.

After-Action Reports

★★★★★SGM Harold Petrosky

I have maintained a regulation mustache since 1998. This wax is the first product that has understood what I am trying to do. The citation is hanging next to my EIB. It fits.

★★★☆☆SSG Derek Cantu

Bought this as a gift for my First Sergeant. He opened it, read the citation out loud to the formation, and then put it in his top desk drawer. I call that a win.

★★★★★1SG Vivian Przybylski

The comb is calibrated correctly. I checked. The wax holds through a 10-mile ruck. The citation is factually accurate. Five stars. No notes.